I constantly torture myself looking at phalic surgeries and such because I don’t know how my boyfriend would feel about it. 

I love him, I love him more than anyone in this world but I don’t know if I can deal with with my gender issues. I’d hate to loose him over that but I really have to make the choice on day if I’d put relationship on hold for my boyfriend 

I mean, I’d never tell my folks. I don’t want to deal with them and emotinally it’s easier to never tell them as long as I love. But my boyfriend. I want him to see my body, he was one of the first people in a long time to help me love my body again. I want to be happy gender wise, gender presentation wise and him being okay with it. 

I already have problems with my ovaries. I had to take a pregnancy test to make sure but I wanted to make sure wasn’t pregnant but now I”m sure my ovaries are fucked up and I just want the whole system gone.

I know exactly what I want. I’ll keep my body shape but I want small breasts, I want my clit into a penis but I want to keep my vagina opening. This is what I want and I want him to be okay with that.

I guess I should talk to him about that one day.

I really don’t want to 

Diary Post 4

Right now I’m not out but I did come up with a more masculine nickname for myself that I like and makes me laugh a little. I want to be called either Deedee or Dex and I don’t mind them being used interchangeably. Reason being, my own name is pretty gender neutral. The only reason people see it as feminine for me is because I’m their frame of reference. I always tell people people my mother got my name from some spanish man. It’s also a surname really and they have always been  pretty gender neutral. 

I’ve only put that on my rp blog because it’s not open to people that I know irl but eventually I’ll put in on my main. But not anytime soon.

Diary Post 3

I don’t have that big of a problem with the Carefree Black Girl movement really for a personal thing for people. 

If it’s just for the women, identifying themselves as carefree blackgirls it would be okay for me but the outward identification thing is the problem with me mainly because of my whole gender issue. 

If I go out and dressed in the “carefreeblackgirl” aesthetic and enjoy the park like I want to and I take pictures and I show people my pretty outfit and and my happiness enjoying the world and being just black like it goes, then I might, because of how my body is, be seen as a carefree black GIRL. 

But I don’t, internally see myself as a girl. I see myself as either current standard feminine and current standard masculine at any given time. So I feel weird on the label being put on people who didn’t purposefully label themselves. It had to do with my own idea of gender. 

Don’t label someone a carefree black girl is what I’m getting at because you don’t know what’s going on behind the smile and the look or whatever. Put that label on yourself and no one else.

Black womanhood should be about self definition and not what other people decide for them whatever little buzzword phrase is going around at the moment.

Diary 2

Definally one of the things I have had to learn/unlearn in the course of gender identity struggles is behaviors are not male or female/ lady like or gentlemanly/ feminine or masculine.

I mean, in practical terms to create a better understanding of what’s going on I do label some of my days as more masculine or feminine that others. This is simply for the sake of characterizing them in a way that I can better understand during these baby step phases. 

But I just belched super loudly in the middle of starbucks because I just had a really good breakfast sandwich. The first thing that came to mind was “Wow that was super unlady like of me.” And then I quickly changed that which prompted this post. That wasn’t unlady like and it would be no more acceptable if it came from the mouth of a man. 

It was just rude. A socially unacceptable response to belly bubbles. 

Not that I said excuse me or anything after the fact. I’ve been recently less apologetic of my bodily functions like burping and farting and such so I either shrug it off or just go about my daily business. 

Another thing that comes to mind but I won’t go into great detail is my body hair. 

Women aren’t suppose to have body hair. Which is silly. Because of my skin I don’t shave but I use to feel stared at if I didn’t shave my legs when I wore a skirt or a dress. But I wore a short sleeve/sleeveless shirt today and didn’t even think about shaving. It’s my body. 

I think a big part of what’s going on with me is divorcing myself from the schema that exist about my body that I’ve internalized and realize that my body is just a body. I can definally see that it’s a separation cognitivly from my physical body but right now I’ll deal with the problems that comes with that obvious disconnect later when I get to that bridge. 

Just something I was thinking about in my exploration into my own gender and my gender identity .

Diary 1

I talked to a semi close friend about my gender and It’s becoming such a pain I realized. For the most part I just don’t want to be any one gender. I don’t feel closer to one than the other. Some days I’m more masculine or feminine that others but I wish I had the sex organs that made more in between so I’d feel more better about my body. Like if I have to have breasts then I want a penis but if I could get smaller breasts then I’d be okay with a packer or something because then I can bind on days when I want the word to see me as a boy (though I may feel like a boyish girl on the inside) and vise versa. Even then I don’t like the agender or genderfluid because that would signify that I am either one, inbetween or without at any given time. 

I want to be all gender. ACTUALLY I JUST LOOKED UP THE WORD!

Pangender. I like that better than anything I’ve come across. It sits better. It sits better with me because I don’t feel like I don’t have a gender. I feel like I have all. Every gender under the sun I feel like is mine.